JLo: The Cougar's American Idol


Saturday night, I got myself all jazzed up and went to a Bat Mitzvah party. I’ve been to many. Maybe 50. Maybe 100. My, how times have changed, and in more ways than one.

When I was a kid, we were invited to basements or party rooms with xeroxed photos some mom pasted to the walls before she faded, quietly, into the background. Throw in a few strobe lights, a couple of Michael Jackson pre-face-job albums as prizes, some girls in 80s tweed, and all that was left was the hope that some cute boy would ask to wrap his arms around you in a slow dance – hopefully to Babe by Styx, or the ultimate, Stairway to Heaven – before midnight.


Now these events are like weddings. Only louder. And with a completely different demographic.

Throughout the night, I sat there, watching kids trying to be older and adults trying to be younger, all to the pounding beat, and I realized something: at some point, you have to embrace your age.


So here’s my question. Has a cougar crept up on you while you were busy living life?

If so, I firmly believe that with a little foresight you can tame that beast and make it classy. Take the Cougar Test. It’s for all you 40+ ladies out there getting ready to party.



1.   Dresses that look painted on no longer work. If they do, you’re probably in desperate need of a sandwich.

2.   Other women look like Real Housewives of Wherever, and when you look in the mirror, you see their sister.

3.   You have fun comparing men’s bald spots.

4.   Two hours after you get your makeup done like a Barbie head, you realize your face looks way younger naked.

5.   You no longer wonder why foreheads and lips seem frozen when women smile.

6.   You can’t dance for long because your platform heels are too high and you consider them attached to your legs.

7.   Men check out your teen daughter before checking out you.

8.   You never go anywhere without earplugs in your purse.

9.   Your hair colorist knows details about your sex life you haven’t had time to share with your best friend.

10. Showing cleavage takes time and work. On that front, Jennifer Lopez is your American Idol. And if she’s not, she should be.



About randi

Randi Chapnik Myers & Mara Shapiro don't get fazed by their teens. At least they try not to.


  1. JLO is my American Idol. we are Cougar. Hear us roar.

  2. Guest of the party says:

    Hey Randi….

    I personally like your post, but I do know that there are other people out ther who have taken offense to it. Namely the people you are poking fun at of the party you were invited to.

    My suggestion is to remember that you were an invited guest and using your forum to poke fun at the other guests is a bit immature and self serving.

    My feeling is if you keep making posts like this about events you attend, you might not be invited to more events.

    Please don’t shoot the messenger. As I said before, I really liked the post but I do know that others did not.

    “Checking Out Your Daughter”

  3. Hi COYD
    Thanks for taking the time to comment on my post. I’m glad you enjoyed it and that it has resonated with others.

    I have to say, though, I’m confused about why people would think I was poking fun at them when I was actually talking about myself and the stage of life I find myself in, and am OK with. Reminds me of the Carly Simon song, You’re So Vain (if you think this post is about you 😉

    No shots to you at all, Messenger, except maybe of the vodka variety. And cheers to your friend, too. If she wants to comment, she could do so honestly, with her name, and I’d be happy to respond.

  4. I loved this, Randi! I’m surprised to hear there are some friends who felt this was poking fun at them. If anything, I read it as satirical and self-depricating, rather than poking fun at others. I hope instead of not inviting you to events any more, they come to you with concerns directly and with the maturity that comes with being of cougar age. 🙂

    Also, on your list, you forgot one important thing. Batwings.

    • Thanks, Miss Batwings! I’m so glad you enjoyed. You may be interested to know that in writing this post, I considered the women at this party JLo types and I was trying to figure out how to age gracefully myself. But I’m OK with being left off party lists. After all, I’m not in grade 8 anymore.


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