Saturday night, I got myself all jazzed up and went to a Bat Mitzvah party. I’ve been to many. Maybe 50. Maybe 100. My, how times have changed, and in more ways than one.
When I was a kid, we were invited to basements or party rooms with xeroxed photos some mom pasted to the walls before she faded, quietly, into the background. Throw in a few strobe lights, a couple of Michael Jackson pre-face-job albums as prizes, some girls in 80s tweed, and all that was left was the hope that some cute boy would ask to wrap his arms around you in a slow dance – hopefully to Babe by Styx, or the ultimate, Stairway to Heaven – before midnight.
Now these events are like weddings. Only louder. And with a completely different demographic.
So here’s my question. Has a cougar crept up on you while you were busy living life?
If so, I firmly believe that with a little foresight you can tame that beast and make it classy. Take the Cougar Test. It’s for all you 40+ ladies out there getting ready to party.
YOU KNOW YOU’VE HIT MIDLIFE WHEN:
1. Dresses that look painted on no longer work. If they do, you’re probably in desperate need of a sandwich.
2. Other women look like Real Housewives of Wherever, and when you look in the mirror, you see their sister.
3. You have fun comparing men’s bald spots.
4. Two hours after you get your makeup done like a Barbie head, you realize your face looks way younger naked.
5. You no longer wonder why foreheads and lips seem frozen when women smile.
6. You can’t dance for long because your platform heels are too high and you consider them attached to your legs.
7. Men check out your teen daughter before checking out you.
8. You never go anywhere without earplugs in your purse.
9. Your hair colorist knows details about your sex life you haven’t had time to share with your best friend.
10. Showing cleavage takes time and work. On that front, Jennifer Lopez is your American Idol. And if she’s not, she should be.