When I was nine years old, my best friend, Lisa Fineberg, was kidnapped by her parents and spirited off to California. Our parents arranged a meet-up in Florida when we were 13, but after that we lost contact. It was mostly (all) my fault. She wrote me letters on Holly Hobby stationary, and I forgot to write her back. I do remember one letter that I did answer, wherein she told me her boyfriend was Chad Lowe. Yes, as in Rob Lowe. If I ever wished I was a Valley Girl like her, it was right at that moment.
We are friends again, and it’s like we never left off, although when we last saw each other, we didn’t have boobs. It’s all due to me. Internet stalking really does work. When I read her book, Japan Took the Jap Out of Me, it was like I could hear her voice in my head. But not in a creepy way. In a melancholy way. After that, I just had to find her, and so I did. On Facebook. We are currently living happily ever after.
Since she runs a swim school, and her business relies on her not swearing in front of children, she sent me her list of what can go fuck itself. While reading, just picture Lisa’s middle finger sticking straight up. And in her other hand, a pint of beer.
You can find Lisa on Twitter @kidSwimLA.
The Fuck It List:
1) Reaching my ideal weight: I have decided that my ideal weight is whatever fucking weight I am that day. You don’t like it? Don’t look at me naked.
2) Trying to be Martha Stewart. It will never happen and you know what? She’s never going to be Lisa Fineberg Cook so we’re even.
3) Achieving balance. An illusion created by fuckers on Madsion Avenue to make you spend money on things that will make you think you’ve achieved balance. In truth it’s only relevant if you are a construction worker, a window cleaner or gymnast. I am none of these.
4) Going on that trip of a lifetime. I’ll tell you what; the last trip you take before you die is your trip of a lifetime. I’m taking my kids to Legoland for Christmas. If I die on December 27th, Legoland will be my trip of a lifetime. Too fucking bad I never made it to India, but you know what? Everyone I know who goes to India comes home with some illness that takes them the rest of their lives to get rid of. Maybe that’s what they mean by ‘trip of a lifetime.’
5) Having a million dollars. The way I look at it, by the time I actually have a million dollars, that million will probably be more like a hundred thousand due to inflation, so in essence it works both ways, which is to say that the fifty thousand I made last year was most likely a million dollars in 1860 something, so there. I made a fucking million dollars.
6) Being famous. Doesn’t mean what it used to mean when I was a kid. Nowadays you get famous for fucking someone on camera and accidentally/on purpose making sure it gets released, or you take a video of your kid coming off of anesthetic. It may change your life but it won’t make what sucks about it go away.
7) Achieving closure with those you’ve wronged. If you are narcissistic enough to think that those people won’t be able to move on successfully in life until you apologize to them, then good luck with that. How ’bout this though, just be fucking nice to everyone you meet from now on.
8) Getting in touch with that old boyfriend you keep romanticizing about after all these years. Keep in mind, the operative word is ‘old.’ He’s old, you’re old. Trust me on this, the romantic fantasy you have is better than the reality that will bum you the fuck out and cause you to drink heavily.
9) Trying to win over that asshole boss. You never will. They are not assholes because of you, they are assholes because of them. Tell them to fuck off and don’t believe for a second that they will ruin your career. If they really could, they wouldn’t be assholes, they would be important.
10) Keeping up with the Jones’. Unless the Jones’ are running marathons and you aspire to the same, don’t even try. And frankly, I’ve had the Jones’ over for dinner and you know what? They suck at conversation. Trust me, you’re funnier and more interesting just the way you are.
Do you have a Fuck-it List? I know I do!