Do you tell your kids to act their age? Well, get this. Now, they think I should respect them by acting mine.
You’re only as young as you feel, right? Not according to my kids. To them, I’m past my prime, old, aged, any way you look at it. From every angle. Inside and out.
Now my age limits what what I can and can’t do. I mean it, there are act-your-age minefields. And the number of years I have been on earth appears to correlate to an increasing danger of setting them off (read: embarrassing and/or royally pissing off), especially in front of – gasp! – their friends, the very people we want to feel welcome in our home.
Unlike some parents, I don’t go around trying to make my children run and hide. But it is clear that the older I get, the less I am able to get away with my normal adult behavior without my children shaking their heads.
MOM, YOU’RE TOO OLD TO _________________________
* Say phrases that their friends use in every other sentence, such as “That’s boss” or “True dat.” Newsflash: Kids these days tend to prefer their mothers don’t sound like hip hop stars.
* Dress like any kind of hipster. That means fedoras are out. Also winter hats that bag at the top, silver nail polish and anything with studs.
* Ask who they’re texting. While it is not even remotely rude for them to carry on furious conversations with five people while you are the only two in the room, it is an eye-rolling travesty to butt into those conversations by asking about them.
* Sing and/or dance in public, especially to the song I’m Sexy and I Know It. You may have rocked the place back when but your sexy days are over, my friend, and in case you haven’t heard, disco is out.
*Choose the music on the car radio – especially if you have any love of country, jazz or, Heaven Forbid, classical. (Lock the doors. That last one could drive your kid to exit the car while it’s still moving).
* Ask about their love life, including naming certain names, and using the phrase hooking up, which is reserved for teen mouths only (pun intended).
* Have any conversations at all with any of their friends on Facebook, even if you’ve known those kids since they were in diapers. That’s not only embarrassing, it’s “very, very weird.”
* Comment on any of their Facebook photos or any of their friends’ Facebook photos without express permission. In case you don’t know, your presence on there stops dead all comments. You are a conversation killer. So hide, lurk, or better yet, MYOB and hang out on the boring Facebook walls of friends your own age.
FILL IN THE BLANK:
MY KIDS SAY I’M TOO OLD TO _______________