I knew it. I knew it. I love being right.
Last night’s Bachelor Canada was a triumph for all of us girls who have had our boys stolen out from under us by girls who know how to work it.
Last night’s final rose ceremony was a celebration of all that should be right in the world-that the mean girls will get theirs and that the sweet girls will get the boy.
Oh Brad. Oh Bianka. Get lost Whitney.
The show went something like this:
Camera pans onto a fake pensive Whitney as she wonders how she’s going to keep up her evil charade right up until she WINS. Golf, champagne, smooch, romance, yada yada, drive the golf cart right up to the house (Can’t even impress Whitney with wealth and prestige?) Meet the family, clam up as usual, AWKWARD. Brad talk for Whitney which irritates the women in his life. The two tiger ladies pull her into the kitchen to grill her while she stands there staring at them with usual robot face. (Note: Brad’s sister Ashley is one tough cookie. Do not. I repeat Do Not meet her in a dark alley.) Whitney leaves and Brad is confused because maybe, just maybe, it’s dawning on him that she is robot from the planet Manipula.
Bianka, a glow surrounding her, stands in front of a little inn nearby Brad’s home in Hudson Quebec. Little birdies sing and dance as he gracefully leaps out of his car to swing her in his arms. Romantic music plays as they go off into the sunset..screech…to eat steamy hot dogs and say cute things like ‘Oh Cheeseburger‘. Brave of Bianka to eat street meat right before she’s going to meet the famjam (let’s hope she has an iron stomach to go with her iron will.) We quake with fear for our White Princess when remembering how Big Sis ripped apart Black Queen Whitface’s facade, but never fear, the Princess stories are all true and Bianka’s sweet and gentle nature wins over the naysayers. We can’t help giggling as the couple bids adieu. Can it be? Is it true love?
On to Barbados where Brad’s status as WASP royalty is reinforced with a beautiful seaside villa, Polo and yachting.
Does our boy only choose activities that show off his athletic physique? Because he donned a tight pair of white pants to Polo with B, and a black tank to sail away with W.
All I can say is that good thing that Whitney got off that boat alive because after she picked a fight with Brad whilst sipping her champagne, it looked like he was ready to throw her overboard. We know she was wearing her ‘Don’t hate me because I’m a bitch undies.‘ We just know it.
THE HIGHLIGHT of the season was when Brad finally strapped on his manhood and went to send that ice queen crawling back to her freezer. We were cheering. This was the moment that Whitney showed us the cray cray that had been lurking beneath her stone-like exterior.
Brad, ever the gentleman, attempted to let her down with sweetness. She slammed the door in his face muttering, I respect myself. Then she let him back into the room. But when he started to talk to her, she walked off. She just walked away, mumbling something like ‘He’s not doing this. Because I broke up with him first. Because I respect myself… Because I am WHITNEY.’
She continued her incantation as she got into her taxi (sorry, dollface, no more limos for you…) and rode off into the storm that will be After the Rose When Brad Rips You a New Asshole on National TV.
The proposal (nice ring, babe) was so moving that my husband asked me if ‘that guy cries all the time‘. Bianka’s white wedding dress was a huge risk that obviously paid off. Until I saw the montage of outtakes I wasn’t sure that these two had chemistry. But, after all that tongue, I know that there’s a reason they both like mint chocolate chip ice cream.
I’m so happy for Brad and Bianka. They truly look like they’re in TV love and I hope that they can translate it to real-life love. If him crawling all over her in any and all of their TV interviews is any indication, they really, really will.
Next season don’t forget to watch Bachelorette Canada, Cukoo’s Nest Edition, featuring Whitney Lee, and her Bachelor, Kanye West.