20 Things You Need to Say to Your Teenagers

20 things you need to say to your teenagers

photo source: wikipedia

Kids these days are have so many choices. They’re exposed to a lot, much of which they are not equipped or mature enough to handle. Parenting sure is a tightrope act whose finish is the ultimate goal of churning out capable, responsible, independent adults.

In a few short years our babies will be out in the world and out of our direct control. Instinctually, we want to protect them from hurt, danger, and trouble.  Realistically, we cannot be there all of the time, no matter how much we want to be, or how many tools there are available for us momstalkers.

What’s a parent to do? Let’s have a look at our choices.

We’ve got options on how to stay balanced.

Plan A: We can bubblewrap our kids, protecting them, watching their every move, and making sure that they don’t make mistakes or get into trouble.

The downside? When do they have the chance to explore the world and gain some street smarts? What if they want to do something and Mom says no? Will they abstain? Or do it anyway and then be forced to lie?

Plan B: We can go hands-off and let our teenagers take the wheel, allowing them to run free and make their own choices with minimal supervision.

The downside?  It’s hard to be a successful driver without lessons, and even the most responsible, mature teens need guidance from those who have lived longer. Teens are still children, and children need a certain amount of structure and rules to thrive  or there’s a possiblity that all hell can break loose. And that can be very dangerous.

Plan C: We can find balance. We can have rules that act as a framework for living, bubblewrapping when it comes to real danger and placing our proverbial hands in our pockets when it’s time to spread some wings.

The downside? Not sure I can find one.

Our job as parents is to keep our teenagers safe and out of trouble while giving them enough leash so they can learn to make good choices. It’s a difficult balance to strike. We need to give them the information that they need to assess situations without giving the solutions; we need to teach them to function within rules without creating constricting ones.

We need to communicate insteading of dictating;  support instead of controlling.

Ok. So how?

Well, not to state the obvious, but State the Obvious. Don’t assume that they have thought of everything. After all, they’re rife with hormones and the impulsivity of youth. Ask specific questions. Don’t think they’ll tell you things just because you’re standing there. Teens hate being asked questions, but just posing the query gets them thinking.

Trust me. It’s true.

It’s better to be embarrassed now than sorry later. There is nothing at all wrong with a little frank pre-work in the form of questions and reminders.

These are some that I have used. I’m serious. All of them. I don’t beat around the bush.

The Questions:

  1. What are your plans? Who are you going with? How are you getting home?
  2. Will there be parents at this party?
  3. Is that what you want people to think of you?
  4. What are your dreams?
  5. Who are you talking to? How do you know him/her?
  6. Are you your best self when you’re around those friends?
  7. What did you do last night? And after you left that place? And after you left that place?
  8. Have you ever looked at porn on the Internet? Do you know the consequences of looking at porn on the Internet?
  9. Have any of your friends had sex?
  10. What did you do in school today?
The Obvious
  1. Don’t leave your drink unattended
  2. Don’t talk to strangers online
  3. Do not send naked pictures of yourself to anyone
  4. If a girl offers you a blowjob at a party, you don’t have to accept.  You don’t have to hook up just because everyone else is
  5. Drugs and alcohol are dangerous. Be careful.
  6. Act like a lady/gentleman. Treat others with respect.
  7. Look both ways before you cross the street
  8. What goes on the Internet stays on the Internet (Otherwise known as You look like a skank in that photo)
  9. If you have had sex (and you don’t have to tell me if you have) make an appointment at the doctor. Here’s the number.
  10. If something bad happens to you, I can’t undo it. Use caution.

(I don’t ask questions like Do you have a boyfriend? unless I’m teasing. Those are a waste of a good questioning opportunity, and exist merely to satisfy my own curiosity or demonstrate my ability to make my kids turn purple with embarrassment.)

These questions and statements are designed to open up communication. Sometimes they do, and we have a great conversation.And sometimes, the kid just wanders off.  Hopefully thinking about what I’ve said.

Oh, also, if you want to have these talks with your teen without forcing them, take your kid for a drive. They seem more communicative when they’re trapped in your car.

Do you have any to add? Any that you would avoid? Why?

 

Comments

  1. Have you tried alcohol or drugs? When, why and how did it feel?

  2. I seriously LOVE this post!
    So incredibly important. You’re right..our questions should encourage conversation…leave curiosity out of it.

  3. Great list….ideas to add?? Perhaps something around body image (especially for girls)
    Far from perfect so massage this as you need to…
    Feeling good about and accepting your body can help you to be happy and healthy. How can you keep a positive body image when there are many outside voices (friends, media) suggesting you may not be good enough? How do you feel about your body on most days?

  4. I have a 5 year old. I’m not ready to deal with the inevitable. But my mother-in-law is a tough Irish broad who didn’t take any crap from her sons. As a result, they’ve turned out pretty well. Her phrase? “Don’t attack it without a jacket.”

    And as far as the obvious goes, these things AREN’T obvious to many parents. They’re too embarrassed or scared or afraid of the questions they’ll get back (ex: Did *you* smoke pot, Mom?) but frank conversation from a young age is what I’m hoping will set the groundwork for the dreaded teenage years.

    In the meantime, I’m going to go fly my helicopter over my son…

Trackbacks

  1. […] FIX: Get direct and insist on honesty. Before you say yes, ask where they’ll be and who they’ll be with. Explain the dangers […]

  2. […] people wonder when it’s time for their tweens to venture out on their own. I’m not a helicopter parent by any means.  In fact, I’m quite the opposite and believe in letting kids gain […]

  3. […] going on from my kid’s perspective gives me an opportunity to support and guide. I can ask questions such as, “What do you like about this kid?” and “How does that make you […]

  4. […] shot back her definition and advised me to talk to my child about sex, drugs and booze – despite the fact that she was barely 13 and it was a sunny Sunday afternoon. Apparently, in […]

  5. […] at all hours. I don’t have to go to birthday parties! I have my bed to myself. I can supervise decisions instead of making them. Did I mention I will never carpool […]

  6. […] you have a baby, you imagine it gets easier as they get older. That by the time they are nearly 19, they won’t have the ability to make you doubt yourself. But today I had a day where it was hard […]

  7. […] tout. No lecture. He knows what I’m talking about, and what the score is in our house. Own up to your mistakes, be better next […]

Speak Your Mind

*